"Gaga makes us gag."

Lady Gaga's restaurant venture failed to impress food critics in New York this past Wednesday. The eatery, christened after Gaga's late aunt Joanne Trattoria, was found to be a slap-dash, over-hyped failure.
How is that even possible? Lady seems to know her way around food, claiming to prepare delectable home cooked meals for her closest friends on her vacations from Gaga Land. If her get-up for the 2012 Video Music Awards is any indication, this carnivorous caterer knows her stuff in the culinary department.

2010 VMAs

Or does she? Top restaurant food critic Steven Cuozzo of the NY Times wrote that Gaga's establishment was "running mainly on acrid-smelling burnt vinegar wafting intermittently through the raucous dining room." Quite the mouth full. Critics were unforgiving, throwing even the waiters under the bus, branding them as being ill-prepared and a waste of space. Despite the restaurant only having Gaga on board as a silent partner, with her parents doing the day to day grind, she is the only one being grilled for this. For the first time it requires a little more effort than just slapping your name on your endorsements and calling it a day, huh Gaga? Guests were made to wait over 50 minutes for their "fatty" food and Gaga did not even play lounge singer for her impatient supporters on opening night.


On second thought, that may have made digestion harder with her penchant for wearing mad cow disease-ridden pounds of flesh and dousing herself with gallons of blood. Maybe she should have just thrown her own self onto the grill?

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Beyoncé's Simon's Paula, $500 million deal

Someone needs to tell Simon Cowell to lay off the crack because he has been sniffing around Beyoncé's all week. The multimillionaire talent scout is looking to shell out a cool half a billion dollars to sign the R&B Bey on as a judge for The X Factor's second season. After publicly firing Paula Abdul, that terrible host, Steve Jones, and Nicole Scherzinger, Cowell is out for new, more famous blood. Throughout the years these talent shows have been about poor unsuspecting diamonds in the rough being judged by celebrities who had become "washed-up" as the say. Washed-up is a bit harsh, we'll go for irrelevant here instead. Simon clearly feels that his extremely successful shows, Idol currently running in its eleventh season, deserves a step up in star power. Enter Beyoncé. Just when we thought she could not get anymore famous, she took it upon herself to push out her first born this year, the floral swatch from her crotch known as Blue Ivy. That no doubt launched her into a stratosphere of her own; such interest in a pregnancy has been unmatched since Debbie Rowe's carrying Michael Jackson's two first children.

The controversy surrounding the "three term" pregnancy, where a flat-stomached Beyoncé pranced around in 5 inch heels, definitely helped whip the media into a frenzy and couldn't hurt ratings. Will Cowell snag Knowles? I think he's been on vacation too long and lost touch with his status, and most of all reality. He promised the show's producers last year to bring in 20million viewers per episode, but came up short with just over half of that. He since promised a bloodbath, and certainly delivered upon axing three members of the cast. I do not know if Beyoncé would be the most entertaining personality to watch though. She is so reserved and makes me quite frankly uncomfortable with her over-thinking of each word she utters. This deal would be similar to the several year, multimillion-dollar deal that Celine Dion signed. It would keep Beyoncé chained to the judges seat for at least five years. I would rather see her do a guest spot though, that would certainly provide a mid-season boost and keep her career intact. Keep in mind though, Kelly Rowland was a judge on the original X Factor in the U.K. so that might sway Beyoncé in her decision making.

Who could Simon realistically hire?

Madonna, Give Me All Your Luvin

Undisputed Queen of the Nasties, Madonna, will be releasing her 12th studio album this year. She is on a promotional tour, tapping into popular artists like Nicki Minaj, LMFAO, M.I.A. and Cee Lo Green to spice up her images as an android mascaraing as a human being.

Madonna released the cover art for her newest single Give Me All Your Botox, I mean Luvin', which features the singer in nothing but a sweater with ironed on letters spelling out the song's title. An up and coming YouTuber couldn't have taken better photos, she should be proud she saved so much money.

Madonna's album MDNA, her twelfth since she graced the stage for the first time in the 1980's, will be released on the 26th of March. She plans on debuting a sneak peek of her lastest contribution to a three decade long career on the little known talent show, American Idol this coming Thursday night.

In honor of Madonna's newest album I've decided to highlight a few moving words that can provide motivation for the pop diva, courtesy of the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

1. Admit that you are powerless to withstand the allure of fame-whoring
2. Come to believe that there is a power greater than you unable to restore you to sanity
6. You should at all cost, pertaining to making money, accumulate more defects of character
7. Humbly ask your plastic surgeon to remove your lines and wrinkles along with all feeling left in your face
9. Continue to make direct amends with people like Janet Jackson, by calling them tacky, attention seeking nip-slippers

Keep up the good work, Madonna. Still pissing people off and still getting away with it. I have never seen such little talent stretched so painstakingly thin for so long in all my life.

Kim Kardashian, holier than thou

Howard Simmons for New York Daily News, edited by yours truly

Gasp! Kim Kardashian has announced her plans to start a bible study group. As if this woman wasn't exhausting herself enough with her good deeds, she has decided to lead other women on a righteous path. This comes on the heels of the buzz surrounding her mother's I Love My Friends music video from the 1980's where her alleged "baby daddy", Alex Roldan, worked as a hair stylist. In the video, while trying to hold a note, Kris Jenner mentions her going to bible study with her close friends, whom she by the way, loves.

Not to mention Kim's recent plea for the heart of a certain virgin athlete Tim Tebow who has been the news for his religious fanaticism and recent success on the field. Sources are reporting that Kim feels that Tebow could be her ticket to a new image. Tim has politely declined this serial-bride's advances citing her inordinately prurient past and carrier choices.

Something has apparently gotten into Kim, or at least her marketing team, who have decided to play the virtuous family card. Kim's obvious track sheet as being a promiscuous woman who would disrobe for a photoshoot if the price is right is not the issue here. The problem is that she feels that she is beyond reproach. Since she is Kim K. no one should apparently look at her sideways as the hypocrite she is for deciding to suddenly play Mother Theresa, now that her show's season finale is around the corner.

I am sure it will be a growing experience for all involved, including the bible study's founder Kardashian. Yes, Kim will take you through such books as Numbers, detailing the amount of children she could have fed with each designer bag. The book of Job teaching that having one isn't important as long as you have a great surgically enhanced ass. The book of Songs will be a treat for the group as she will relentlessly try to plug her failed dance song of 2011 titled Jam (Turn It Up). Last but not least, let's not forget Chronicles, where she takes us through her life's story of heartache, million dollar mansions and jet-setting.

I am sure they'll learn a lot.